I don’t feel I’ve been myself lately (perhaps an extended lately). A return to what some call ‘civilization’ has filled my life with superfluousness, superficiality, over indulgence; yet left my mind empty. Flying on two wheels doesn’t bring the elatedness it always had. Music leaves me frustrated and confused. Food makes me fat.

Something I refer to as Post Dramatic Stress Disorder.

One may interpret this as unhappiness, I’m not so sure. Rather, it’s lack of speech-suppressing positive feelings. An over powering emotional flood can be positive or negative. Recently, there’s only been one experience that brings me this emotional flood in a positive sense. Thankfully, it’s something that is shared with another and I propose that the other is the primary reason for its positivity.

I’ve told a friend that I don’t think I’ve liked myself since July. And if that’s the case, who would like me? I used to detest change. “Hersey chocolate, unchanged since 1887” (until they changed the bloody wrapper). A few years ago, I taught myself to embrace change. Change is natural, which defines everything in my world. I’m working to embrace the change, but it’s frightening when one doesn’t know the final outcome of that change and its inherent meaning.

mila secafo